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Quick Summary: If you’re lonely in your 30s, Billy Baker’s We Need to Hang Out is the book you need to read.
Through a mix of humour, research, and personal reflection, Baker unpacks the reasons friendships fade as we grow older.
He explains why loneliness is so common in adulthood and offers actionable ways, like creating “Velvet Hooks”, to reignite old friendships and build new ones.
Tapan’s Verdict: Skim it 🤓
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We Need to Hang Out: Actionable Insights
Friendships Are Built, Not Maintained
Billy Baker reminds us: “Friendships are like velcro—two pieces strongly attached yet easily pulled apart.”
The key to lasting connections lies in consistent effort. Velvet Hooks, shared activities like sports, hobbies, or regular meetups, help cement bonds. Instead of vague promises to meet, establish recurring rituals.
I dive deeper into this topic in my article, Why Friendships Fade in Your 30s (And How to Keep Them Strong).
Understand the Nature of Loneliness
Baker writes: “Loneliness is a subjective state, where the distress you feel comes from the discrepancy between the social connections you desire and the ones you actually have.”
It stems from the gap between the connections you desire and those you actually have.
This discrepancy often grows in adulthood when responsibilities pile up and friendships take a back seat. Recognising this emotional gap is the first step to addressing it.
Community is Essential for Contentment
Referencing self-determination theory, Baker notes that humans require autonomy, competence, and connection to be happy. In adulthood, however, proximity to friends often disappears.
Drawing from cultures like Denmark’s hygge or Indian evening chai rituals, Baker underscores the power of gathering around simple, communal activities to rebuild connection.
Friendship Needs Playfulness
“Adulthood is too serious. I miss stupid. I need stupid”, says Billy.
Embracing playful activities, whether it’s casual games or reminiscing over shared jokes, keeps relationships alive.
Laughter and light-heartedness can often be the glue holding friendships together, even in busy lives.
Conclusion
If you’re lonely in your 30s, We Need to Hang Out is both a mirror and a guide.
Baker’s reflection, “I had to prioritise who to give a f* about if I was going to figure out how to give a f* about them”, resonates deeply.
His advice on rekindling bonds and embracing shared rituals like Velvet Hooks offers a clear roadmap for restoring meaningful friendships.
